kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
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he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
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We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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