I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
