I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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