Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Randomize
