Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
