WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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