i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
