so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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