wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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