Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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