yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Edward fifth and chaser hands
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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