if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
