Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
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No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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