I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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