Yo dont text me then not text me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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