Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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