My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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