mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
then he tried to convert me to islam
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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