I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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