I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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