also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
