you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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