careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
