Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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