I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
