How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
