what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
