I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
