3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
