Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
