So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
