so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
