my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
