Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
