I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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