What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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