We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
