Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
