Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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