i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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