I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
