How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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