Apparently you make a good broom.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
