If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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