I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
