I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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