so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
