Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?