that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.