I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!