I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
