If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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