Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I want a musical about memes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
