Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
