On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
