Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
