your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
